Captain Holt is a fan-favorite character of Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and part of the reason for that is because of how he delivers most of his funniest lines with a straight face as if he’s being dead serious.
Holt is responsible for some of the most iconic moments of the show’s seven-season run so far, and with each of those moments comes loads of really funny lines that will be quoted by fans everywhere forever. Here are 10 quotes that prove he is the funniest character on Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
You’re Not Cheddar
The Halloween Heist episodes are a seasonal tradition on Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and each episode manages to top the last. Each heist goes a little further in pranks and competitiveness. When the squad uses Holt’s beloved dog, Cheddar, as a player in the heist to bring him the belt, Holt senses that something is up immediately and that it’s not his dog. Holt’s relationship with Cheddar is unlike any other, and when he realizes that the corgi he sees before him isn’t his Cheddar, it leads to the classic line, “You’re not Cheddar, you’re just some common b*tch.”
But If You’re Here, Who’s Guarding Hades?
One of the best feuds on Brooklyn Nine-Nine is between Captain Holt and Deputy Chief Wunch, who have had a long and turbulent rivalry. Holt isn’t short on insults to give Wunch, and by far one of the best is when we are first properly introduced to her. Captain Holt, in perfect deadpan fashion, delivers one of the best lines and insults of the entire show. It’s hard to top such an iconic line but every single one of Holt and Wunch’s interactions is hilariously memorable.
Marshed Mallow
The Nine-Nine are no strangers to teasing Holt because of his deadpan reaction to things, and this includes the cold open where the team discusses how Holt would react to eating a marshmallow. Naturally, they all do impressions of him and Charles ends up being the one who’s correct and imitates a laugh that no one would ever expect to hear from Holt. When he sees the marshmallow, he calls it a “marshed mallow” and laughs like a small child on Christmas Day when he bites into it.
I’ve Never Been Happier
Captain Holt’s main personality trait is to show no emotions at all, to the point where the rest of the characters are constantly trying to predict how he’s feeling. He might look sad when he’s actually happy, and when he looks angry, he might be the happiest he’s ever been in his entire life.
In a particular moment where Holt looks really upset and Amy asks what’s wrong, he goes on to talk about how he had the perfect weekend with Kevin and that he’s never been happier in his life.
Vindication
Aside from being captain of the 99th precinct, Raymond Holt is also a perfectionist. When Rosa and Pimento decide to get married, Holt is armed with the task of creating a balloon arch for the wedding, which most of the team are unsure that Rosa will actually like. The wedding ends up not happening and sadly the balloon arch goes unnoticed until Rosa walks into Holt’s office to thank him for all of his help and sees the giant arch just sitting in his office. It turns out that Rosa actually loves the balloon art like Holt thought she would, and he yells “Vindication!” into the room.
Hot Damn
A lot of Captain Holt’s best quotes are the shorter ones, where he yells and gives away what he’s feeling. For example, when Amy is late for work, the precinct decides to place bets on the reason she’s late. Holt guesses in true Holt fashion that the most predictable reason Amy would be late is that there was a problem at the bank. He ends up being correct, which is all it takes for him to yell “Hot damn” loud enough for the entire room to hear. It’s one of the funniest episode openings in the history of the show.
I’m Diffusing The Situation
Another iconic Captain Holt line and moment is in a cold open where Holt, Charles, and Jake approach a breakdancer who kicks Holt’s coffee out of his hands. Instead of arresting him, he asks “You call that dancing?” and starts having a dance-off in front of a crowd. Naturally, Jake attempts to try and film as much as he can of the event, but bad luck gets in his way and by the time he has his phone out to record Holt’s dance moves, it’s too late, and the dance battle is over.
Call Me Velvet Thunder
Another Captain Holt quote that is proof he is the funniest character on Brooklyn Nine-Nine is when he tells Jake to call him Velvet Thunder. At the end of the second season, Jake is given a murder case to solve and is naturally excited because eventful cases are the reason he joined the police force.
In the episode, Deputy Chief Wuntch is watching over their case, and Holt snaps and decides to fully embrace Jake’s wild ideas. The way he says Velvet Thunder is fantastic, and it’s the most epic moment of the episode.
Wuntch-Time Is Over
It’s hard not to add all of Holt’s insults directed at Wuntch to the list, but this is truly one of the funniest. When Captain Holt receives an award, given to him by Wuntch herself, he can’t resist making a joke and spends the entire time building up the perfect insult to say to her once he gets his award. At the last moment, just when everyone thinks he’s about to let things go for a change and just accept his award graciously, he gives in and says “Wuntch-time is over”.
I Was Hula-Hooping
Captain Holt is a secretive character, and the entire team finds out bits and pieces of what he gets up to at the weirdest times. One of the funniest examples of this is when Holt comes into the precinct with an injured wrist. Rosa asks what he did and he says he got in an accident. Then he approaches Peralta and reveals to him the actual reason behind him injuring his wrist. Holt was actually hula hooping with Kevin and brags to Jake about having mastered all the moves. Things get even better when Holt tells Jake that no one will ever believe him if he tells them the truth.
