The Breaking Bad movie is soon to be upon us and looking back at the original series has only ignited more analysis of these deliciously dark characters. Characters who look familiar but soon develop into amazing cases of enterprise, ego, self-preservation, power, courage, cowardice, intellect, and intensity. With such wildly different but interconnected individuals, there’s only one thing to do. You have to see which Hogwarts houses they would have each been sorted into! When Harry Potter met Heisenberg if you will.
We’re not just looking on the surface either, because a dozen Slytherins isn’t accurate or fair. We’re analyzing their motivations, weaknesses, strengths, convictions, and limits. Also, let’s assume that the Sorting Hat had the final say in every case, so nobody was whispering under their breath which house they’d prefer. In the hierarchy of Hogwarts houses, the Sorting Hat reigns supreme.
Walter White/Heisenberg: RavenClaw
The source of Walt’s pride and ego all stem from the prominent Ravenclaw aspect he used nefariously non-stop, his intelligence. As stated on Rowena Ravenclaw’s Diadem, ‘Wit beyond measure is man’s greatest treasure’, and Walter White treasured his own intellect like nothing else. It let him believe each and every action he ultimately took was justified.
Previously, Walt let himself slide into an underwhelming life and only when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer and saw an application for his dormant attribute did he set out on his ‘Heisenbergian’ path. A brave Gryffindor might have set out before that hardship. A cunning Slytherin would never have settled so meekly beforehand. In essence, he’s the cautionary tale of how any house’s major positive attributes can just as easily lead to corrupted values. In this case, he’d be Ravenclaws harrowing parable.
Gustavo Fring: Hufflepuff
Gustavo Fring similarly represents a corrupted nature of a great house’s finest ideals. Gus valued hard work and loyalty from those around him and himself, willing to put not just effort, but years of patient toil into his goals. We know that his path into the criminal world was paved alongside his loyal partner Max, whom he lost tragically to Don Eladio. All this is to say that Gus’ steady work ethic, value for likewise attributes in his employees, and even-handed measuring of what’s ‘fair’ make him the rabid wolverine in badger’s clothing. No, the Hufflepuff badger, not Skinny Pete’s buddy. Without Walt’s interjection, he may have steadily continued for decades. Everyone he employed benefitting, the only victims his clientele. Once again, Hufflepuff’s unofficial credo ’to be good to one another’ was corrupted, as he does harm to all even while being loyal and ‘fair’.
Jesse Pinkman: Hufflepuff
Jesse Pinkman, despite being Walter White’s path into the meth-cooking game, has displayed a selfless heart when truly pressed. One that prizes loyalty to “Mr. White” and making others happy when with Jane, Andrea, even his estranged little brother. His drug issues certainly made him erratic at times, but when it came to the crunch his tendency led to try to make people’s lives better where he could, not worse. With kids, especially, he had a limit on what he’d allow and ultimately it was that which overrode his legacy of loyalty to Walt. Jesse got exposed to true hurt through Walt and the drug empires and each time he ended up trying to make things selflessly better in the end. Even when it was only a little or even too late. This is probably why he got along so well with Mike Ehrmantraut…
Mike Ehrmantraut: Hufflepuff
Mike is a problem-solver. Hardworking, dedicated, looking to preserve the status quo. Formerly an easygoing but firm cop whose life unraveled when he convinced his cop son to ‘go along’ with taking cash under the table. Mike didn’t want to rock the boat then, and he didn’t want Walt or Jesse to rock the boat with Gus. Mike just wanted to go along, get along, and everything would be fine. Working for Gustavo Fring, Mike really got to enjoy giving his loyalty to someone capable and smart enough to run things as needed to be run, leaving him to work in peace. Even when Mike got shot, he ended up feeding chickens and trying to make sure ‘Wendell’ got a fair chance to eat, keeping the balance and happiness. He may have presented as a dangerous gangster to enemies but Mike Ehrmantraut mostly would look comfortable relaxing in the Hufflepuff common room.
Hank Schrader: Gryffindor
Hank Schrader simultaneously possessed some of the most cherished and least loved aspects of being a Gryffindor, but he undoubtedly would’ve worn the red and gold of the lion at Hogwarts. His bravery, adventurous spirit, and above all else, the constant goal of doing what is right by the law, made him who he was. He was boisterous and brash, but overall Hank sought truth and justice no matter the danger. When confronted with Walt’s truth he prized what is right above even family loyalty, a conspicuous difference between the two men. Even at the end, ‘ASAC’ Schrader looked Death in the eye with defiance. You could tell that Hank’s core of character was his righteous drive and that would be well at home in Gryffindor Tower. Godric Gryffindor himself would be proud.
Saul Goodmen: Slytherin
Would Jimmy McGill but not Saul Goodman avoid the notoriously nefarious house at Hogwarts? We’ve got to say no because even before Breaking Bad, Jimmy McGill was constantly trying to get what he could with the least amount of effort. He used guile, ambition beyond his efforts, and viewing others as pawns to maneuver his way upward. He’s even explicitly stated that whatever stopped him from pocketing a wad of cash was never going to stop him again. A snake hiding in plain sight, proud to be so, and shameless in his cowardice if it means he’ll survive another day. A Slytherin from Slippin’ to Cinnabon.
Skyler White: Ravenclaw
The White family matriarch has been sounded out for not matching Walt well, but here their like traits are clearer. Skyler is clearly intelligent, her perceptive acuteness allowing her to consistently see through Walt’s lies. She was able to evaluate Ted Benneke ‘incidents’ and come up with unique strategies to solve them. Even when Walt was at his domineering worst she tried to think her way out rather than confessing to authorities. Skyler White gets unfairly set upon by some fans because of the ways she hampered Walt, but it’s because of her Ravenclaw-esque intellect that she was such a hindrance to Heisenberg at all.
Todd Alquist: Slytherin
The dryest type of snake to grace Slytherin. Todd Alquist seemed to lack anything approaching empathy. He had a base cleverness as he attempted to please his Uncle Jack. Ambition without regard for the cost in human lives and willing to do absolutely anything for gains. He gunned down a child based on an offhanded comment by Walt. Threatened Skyler mainly because he wanted a way to keep pursuing Lydia. He murdered Andrea in front of Jesse. Todd embodied the worst possible aspects of Salazar Slytherin. It seems implausible someone like Dumbledore would have tolerated Todd through to a Seventh Year at Hogwarts, however, a house must be assigned. No other house would or could fit Todd’s cold-blooded, callous nature. Throw the rest of Uncle Jack’s pack in here too.
Badger & Skinny Pete: Slytherin
It’s tempting to throw ‘Badger’ into Hufflepuff just for the insignia symmetry, but these two don’t really fit the yellow Hogwarts house. A pair of Crabbes and Goyles are what we have here, both latching on to Jesse for his meth connections and money. When there’s easy work to do, they’re there. When there are free drugs and parties to go to, they’re knocking at the door. Not to say that either of them would become dark wizards among the magical world though. More like they’d be harmless goofs who you keep an eye on. They’re still fun to have around because they’d eagerly share what they swiped from Honeydukes. Slytherin’s ‘Weasley Twins’, except only Skinny Pete has any magical talent. Badger would probably blow his eyebrows off or drop his wand in a cauldron.
The Salamanca Family: Slytherin
Chaotic, fueled by rage, all loyalty only to the family. The Twins, Hector, Tuco, and the entire Salamanca clan belong in Slytherin’s dungeon. Predatory cunning is the hallmark in this family. While Tuco was the most talkative, Hector and The Twins equal him in brutality. Worse, their ambitious nature means that anyone standing in their way is in peril. Every generation of Salamanca that went through the silver and green robes, another year of fear and doubt for Hogwarts. The Twins would’ve sent a fair amount of opposing quidditch players into early retirement seeing these Beaters flying their way. Hector is a first-ballot candidate for right-hand Death Eater. There’s no way Tuco completes 7 years of education without burning down the potions lab. A match made in Azkaban.
Kuby & Huell: Gryffindor
That’s right, Breaking Bad’s other pair of ne’er do wells might just end up gracing Gryffindor’s common room. That’s despite their association with one Saul Goodman. Gryffindor is renowned as the house with the most ‘well-rounded’ skills and bravery. In their roles as Saul’s go-to gophers, they display a varied aptitude and the bald-faced brass to pull things off that most don’t. Definitely another case of taking admirable traits of a house and corrupting them. Between Huell’s deft fingers, Kuby’s acting ’talent’, their commitment to doing the job even when a literal pile of money is there for the taking, both men have something to them that’s more than the average accomplice. Maybe they’d end up as washouts for having sticky fingers but for at least their first years they’d find themselves wearing the red and gold. Not every Gryffindor can be an Auror.
